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Silent battles

Real battles. Real people.

"When I was struggling with depression it was like being in the climax of a very bad dream & I don’t know how I got there or how to get out. So I’m stuck here, alone & I’m scared. I’ve had time to process & take steps towards recovery yet I still cannot specify incidents that inform my depression. There are just too many facets. I think that’s the problem; saying specific incidents cause depression is an over-simplistic narrative. But one of the earliest times of realizing that I was depressed & needed help, I was about 15, struggling with an eating disorder & I was self harming, my mental & emotional state was really deteriorating. I think about it now, I’m like “damn, I was 15, that’s so young”. I think abt my sister now who’s the same age I was then. I don’t want her to go through that. Spiraling & not knowing hw to get help. Not knowing if you’d be alive tomorrow. I knew I needed help but therapy was too expensive so I couldn’t access that. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t go to therapy but I can understand & empathize with people not having access to it fr many reasons including financial feasibility. Now, this is the nerdiest thing, but spoken word literally saved my life. I was 18 at my first slam. I put everything I had to give, everything I’ve ever felt, on paper & spoke it. I didn’t care if anyone liked it. I just needed release so I never expected the win. I’ve nvr stopped writing and performing since. This was my safe space, my therapy. I was taking positive steps & started prioritizing my mental health and my emotional wellbeing. It definitely didn’t happen overnight. It is a long process. I think that’s one of the important things I’ve learned from my recovery process; never ever rush the process. You have no obligation to be happy for anyone else but yourself & you can take all the time you need to get there. I’m proud say that after 5 years of struggling with self abuse & 2 eating disorders, I recovered. I haven’t struggled with eating disorders or self harm fr almost 3 years now. I’m 22 now, still in recovery, I’m learning to be better everyday and I’ve never been prouder of the woman I am & the woman I’m becoming."

"Get good grades, get a SCIENCE degree, get a job, have a family and die. Asian life goals?.. Where do I start.. Everyone around me are in a race to graduate with their “Asian degree”. Most of them are miserable as they don’t even like what they’re actually studying and are forced into it by the society. However, I have only just begun my educational journey. Once I was done with high school, with almost no idea on my passion, I immediately went to college because everyone in my life kept insisting that if I didn’t go into college and get a degree, I would basically fail at life. So I succumbed to the pressure and went to college. After two mentally draining years, I failed and dropped out with no intention of going back. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was lost.
I realized that I had no direction. I didn’t know what I like or what I wanted to do and that a degree is no joke. This certificate was going to paint my future. While everyone else around me was still forcing me into college, but this time, I put my foot down and said NO. It was tough but I knew I really needed to find myself. I spent the next two years working and used my spare time to find out what my interests were. At the end of two years, I’ve saved up money to pay for my own degree without depending on my parents. I am now back in university with a major and a goal in mind with the motivation obtained from life experiences. Life is short, so live it your way. It doesn’t matter who gets a job first. What matters is your happiness. If you need the time, take it and find the purpose of your life."

"I was 12 when one of my closest friends made a racist Indian joke. I was 14 years old when after a family function, my parents scolded me for acting too girly. I was 16 when the popular gang in secondary school started calling me the gay Indian. Looking back at all of these moments, I am sure there were others that I have missed or forgotten. But in these particular moments I remember feeling like nothing but myself. I never tried to be someone else. I was always just me. Just shining my light as myself. So for me it was odd to be criticized/bullied/teased/scolded/made fun of, for just being who I am. I have long come to realize that I am one of the many intersections of Indianness and queerness. And there are parts of my identity that people will just not get. And honestly I wouldn't change it for anything. But let me not lie to you and say that it has been easy. It's not easy being me. Some would say it's incredibly hard. But I have learned that it's okay to not be okay. Ask any friend and they will tell you that I am one of the most positive and high vibed people they know. But who truly knows that's happening under the rolling waves of the ocean. I know every time I see a hateful anti LGBT comment, story or thread, a part of me dies. Every time I see a racist or stereotypical thing, my blood boils. And I still flinch every time I wear longer earrings like in this shoot, because people will stare. And they do. It's not easy to keep on keeping on when there is so much darkness in the world. But life goes on you know? I channel all that I am feeling through my words. When I perform. Through my art. With my projects. In conversations with friends. And every day I wake up and I try again. Every day I wake up and I tell a new story. One of hope. Of possibility. And of love."

"I used to be a girl who used to eat all she wants but would never put on weight and it always remained below 40kg. It was common for me to get a plate of wanton noodles followed by a roti bakar set and a pau. However, when I was 15, my mom told me that I had gained weight so that led me to cut down my food intake. Despite being someone who wouldn’t take a break while studying, I started to study long hours and skip my meals. That eventually led me to gastritis where I would throw up everything I have eaten and realized that I was losing more weight. So, I started to induce myself to vomit out the food that I had consumed. After a few weeks, my gastritis got so worse that I couldn’t even drink water without throwing it up. The hospital became my second home. So, I started to lose weight tremendously and I loved it. The doctors diagnosed me with bulimia and anorexia. It took me almost 3 months to fully recover and I made a vow to myself to never repeat this as my eating disorder not only made me lose weight but it also shrank my stomach to half its size. I couldn’t eat as much as I used to do. When I had a reoccurrence of my eating disorder in my first semester in university, it was even worse. I was rushed to the hospital after sitting for my first paper. Till now, that experience scares me and nowadays, whenever people comment about my weight, I would just ignore it as only I know the battle that I had been through. I love my body and who I am as the gift of health is the most precious thing ever."

"Can you hear that? That incessant noise that only I seem to hear? The noise that tells me to not look in people’s eyes because I’m not good enough. The noise that promises me that although everything thing is fine now, that’s I’m going to fuck it up soon. The same noise that makes my heart beat fast as it fills me up an unexplainable sense of dread. That’s the sound of my anxiety taking over. It’s funny because when I think about it, my anxiety seemed to have only manifested itself recently. I mean how could it not. I had major life changes that involved a new job, a breakup, endless hospital visits and the feelings of imposter syndrome. There's something about having anxiety that's just so confusing. I feel good as I write this but I know there will be a time where my anxiety will consume me again. When that happens, I’ll allow myself feel whatever needs to be felt while constantly reminding myself that better times are coming."

"Growing up I had rules that I need to follow: 
-speak when you are spoken to 
-cover up or not you can be deemed a slut 
-don’t go out
-follow the path that we have set for you 

But as the years pass, the more I follow these rules, the more suffocated I felt in this little box that they have pre-packed me in. Where my future was divided into two, either marry a man that they want or result to suicide but either way by then it would probably be too late for them to fix what they have broken inside me. When my depression and anxiety peaked they resulted to a bomoh in hopes that I was possessed and not depressed. I took life into my own hands, knowing that they will forever be against my values and my beliefs, to lie to them but never to myself. My constant battle now seems to be spreading like wild fire as friends tend to leave when they find out what I deal with and how families are torn because of misunderstandings and money. They said I was a ball of sunshine before but they never looked past the façade but when I did show them my true self, where everything is raw, broken and struggling they demanded the façade. They threw me away like I was nothing, and left me hanging while I knew I gave them my all but they didn’t give me theirs. I live in constant fear and doubt but it never stop me from going on and achieving life, as I take life one painful heartache at a time."

"I just have one thing to tell to people who care too much what others say about you; you'll never be happy! Other peoples opinions shouldn’t bother you. You live your life to the fullest and enjoy each and every journey of it. Because I don’t want you to regret anything for the chances that you’d neglected. Be you, be yourself. I didn’t choose to be like this and to be honest I don’t like when people put labels on me like tomboy butch faggot and shit. They will never understand the joy of you being totally yourself. Somehow they gonna judge you so fuck it. FCK IT, is
my motto and it gives me a kind of energetic vibe to cut off shits that’s bothering me. You can be anything and I choose to be a human. "

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